


The Grocery List

by obsidians



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: F/M, Funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:33:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25794424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obsidians/pseuds/obsidians
Summary: Tseng has a meeting with the Turk and his fiancee, Yuffie, interrupts with intimate questions while the speaker phone button fails.
Relationships: Yuffie Kisaragi/Tseng
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	The Grocery List

Tseng was having a meeting with his staff, when his fiancee, Yuffie, harangued/sweet talked his secretary to be put through as usual.

He picked up the phone eyeing Reno, Elena and Rude apolgetically and accidently hit the speaker phone.

“How’s my Ookie Wookie Pookie?” his fiancee purred into the phone. “You were a raging beast last night. I can still feel your dinky winky rutting and destroying my hoo hah....”

“Yuffie, I’m in a meeting” Tseng interrupted her, jabbing at the speaker phone button with glowing cheeks and turning his back on a repressed snicker from Reno when he realized the button wasn’t working.

“Calm your man titties. I’m calling to coordinate your shopping list. I’m taking back the toilet paper that gave you that rash on your bottom” the speaker phone continued as a frowning Tseng hit the speaker button again. 

Elena eyed Rude and pressed her hand over her full pink lips to stifle her giggles and silently shook in place.

“There’s no need..." Tseng trying to end his conversation with his chatty fiancee, but knowing better than to hang up. He knew the dangers of THAT.

“There’s a money back guarantee on all products because we’re members. How’s your bottom? Did the anti-itch cream work?” Yuffie asked him.

“I’m fine. Now is not the time.....” he said through gritted teeth as he dared a glance back to find even the stoic Rude suppressing a grin.

“I bet you feel better that I made you wear my silk panties, I know Mr. Prim and Proper doesn’t approve of such methods, but nothing beats the feel of real silk on an itchy hiney, Mr.” Yuffie reproved her suffering fiance and Reno eyed the and high and compact rear of his superior, trying not to but failing to picture it clad in pink silk panties.....and bit his lip to stifle his laughter.

“Yuffie, I can’t speak now" Tseng said, jabbing futilely at the button to make her silent, as if anything could make her silent! Yet the silent man loved her because of how her chatter filled up his lonely life and gave him the love and laughter he never knew he craved. 

“Just a couple more things. Are you sure about the Sephiroth sized condoms? It seems you could use something a little....snugger” she all but whispered into the phone.

“Yuffie, I have to go!” Tseng with all the authority he could muster in his voice. . 

“Okay, just are you sure about the insanity peppers with your sensitive little belly? I don’t want you to have the runs all night long like the last time” she reminded him. 

Tseng was seven shades of purple at this time, which his hair hid from his staff. “They’re for Cloud when he comes over with Tifa tomorrow night. You know how he loves his spicy poppers” he all but whispered into the phone. 

“Okay, but none for you, Mister. I don’t feel like kissing your belly better all night long. Man, your mother spoiled you” she said. 

“I promise.....now I gotta go” he reminded her. 

“Okay, I’ll treat your bottom when you get home. Love you, Pookie Wookie” she said in a gooey voice. 

All three Turks had their eyes watering with exertion from trying not to laugh, they were biting the insides of their mouths, their fingers, anything but laugh at their superior. 

“I’ll see you at home” Tseng said in a resigned tone of voice. 

“See who?” Yuffie demanded. 

“My Ookie Dookie, Schnookums” he replied. “Love you” he finished and smiled a bit when she said it back. 

When he turned back to face his “men” and they were all expressionless as ever. “Contact maintenance on our PHS, I want this speaker feature fixed by tomorrow” he said in his most nonchalant voice. “The meeting is over” he said standing up. 

“Sure Chief, I’ll make sure they get to the “bottom” of the problem” Reno said with a mock salute and a glare from Tseng.

“Dismissed” Tseng said as he walked out with his cheeks glowing in a way they couldn’t see as he breezed past them. 

They waited until he left as they watched him exit and close the door to the sound proof room and with a final snick, the door was closed.

Reno was the first to lose it as he collapsed on the floor and rolled in helpless laughter. 

Elena doubled over, shrieking with laughter and grabbed Rude’s shoulder and the stoic man to threw back his head and guffawed at Universe with the largest, kookiest grin ever.


End file.
